Lonely Hearts Club
by Seal of Doom
Summary: Nepeta is struggling to cope with her own feelings, and it's hard to find solace in her friends when they are sorta the problem. In attempt to vent she creates a blog. What she didn't plan on was for her friends to be avid readers of it. Even worse, now Eridan's found out she's the admin and he wants in too, or else her secret is blown. Unexpectedly this turns out to be her benefit
1. Member Number 1

lonely-hearts-club

 **Open January to December, Do You Want To Be A Member?**

So I guess just a few things to clear up then….

The only reason I made this blog is because I wanted a place to vent my feelings and have it be anonymous in a way that I'm relatively sure complete strangers will be the only people reading this, if they're even reading this.

I'm just your average teenager. And by average I mean it's completely acceptable for me to be have fallen prey to cupid's arrow. Normally I'm the one who's just _that_ friend. Well I still am _that_ friend I guess. I've never been on a date (unless you count being the third wheel on one) and I've been thinking more and more about this fact. At first I was completely and utterly okay with it, you know, the beginning symptoms of over thinking something. But….then I became not okay with it ya know? The more I looked, the more I saw my friends getting into relationships, the more I began to crave one too. How happy they looked, that surety that there's someone there who will always love them. It made me start craving it so much that it began to hurt to look my friends in they eyes!

And then the new guy came along.

Yeah. I'm _that_ friend.

You know how the story goes. At first it's light curiosity, nothing big. Slowly it moves onto "he's kinda cute" to "oh no he's hot". And then it only spirals down from there as I ask myself the big "What If?" And just like that, I became a goner, and everybody but him seems to know it.

My emotions robbed me better than even Robin Hood could have if he wanted to. And this is where the goods are getting stored now.

So I guess this is where I'm gonna sign off then now that you know my tragic sob story.

Until the next feelings jam,

-KitKat

* * *

Nepeta rubbed her face, exhaustion filling every single last particle of her being. The little clock in the corner of her computer screen read 4:13 A.M. Though she doesn't have any school later, this is going to mess with her plans for the day. She contemplated messaging her best friend, Equius, that she's not going to be able to come. It's very tempting but lately she has been avoiding him and really needs to make it up. But there's a reason she's been hanging back so much lately. Just as she had stated in her introductory speech to her blog, she's the third wheel. Well, not officially anyways. Equius still had to actually _ask_ the girl out for that to happen. It has more to do with how most of their conversations have slowly began to revolve around _her._

Her, Aradia Megido, the Japanese exchange student. Nepeta wouldn't say that she's jealous of the other girl, but one can only stand listening to their best friend talk about their crush for so long before it really starts to get to them. Sure she has talked about Karkat, her crush, with Equius plenty of times before, but he's just never been as supportive as she has been of him.

It was always, " _You shouldn't waste your time with him._ " or " _He's no good and pursuing him will only get you into trouble._ "

She understood that Eq was just trying to protect her, but really all she wanted was just a little bit of help shouldering all these feelings for the other boy. It's not like she could just turn them off and on at will. If it were that easy she would have done so when it first started becoming apparent she liked Karkat. Honestly she's at war with herself. On one hand she thought that finding someone to love was good and showed she was capable and possibly not entirely hopeless. But on the other hand she almost loathed these feelings. It's nothing like the stories and movies. They never manage to capture just how _nerve-wracking_ these things can get. How it is a person will start to agonize and be patronized by their own thoughts with internal beatings of self-hate. And anxiety will wrap them up so tightly in a blanket so thick it's suffocating. Then there's the fear. It always just seems so downplayed in stories now.

She sighed and clicked on the home button of her tumblr account. She never would have considered this outlet if it weren't for her friend Dave. Well, he technically hadn't suggested that she post her morbid feelings on a site like this. Nepeta had actually caught him browsing through it once when he had come over to work on a school project. From there it had been like a seed of an idea had been planted and it formulated on it's own. The idea had been tempting her for awhile now and finally she just said ' _fuck it'_ and went ahead to make a blog. It had sounded like a decent plan at the time but now that her internal soliloquy was out in the void of the internet she wasn't so sure.

 _What if they find out? What if, through some miraculous mistake, they find out that I run this blog and see how terrible I really am?_ Though she's going completely incognito with this blog she can't help but feel a mixture of guilt and untamed suspense well up inside her. She didn't want to share -no burden- her friends with her problems that are like this. But who really does like telling their friends that they're depressed? It's not even easy when the automatic response to being asked if you're okay is ' _I'm fine'_. And it's even harder when they haven't really noticed it in the first place.

"Shut up," she groaned to herself, burying her face in the pillows that she had been laying on. "No one's supposed to have a telepathic connection to you and constantly know what's wrong with you, dummy."

Besides, it's not like she made it obvious anyways.

She sat up again and rubbed her eyes furiously. Her computer screen is blurry and no matter how many times she blinks it doesn't go away. Pulling a pillow out from under her she fluffs it up and uses it as a chin rest, tucking her right arm underneath to create a firm counterbalance to the smushiness of the pillow. Nepeta continued to scroll down through her dash and liked several pictures. Tired as she was she didn't want to go to sleep. Her dreams would torture her with fantasies that would never become a reality. And the last thing she needed to be doing is wishing for a one in a million chance at hooking up with Karkat.

Again she thought back to how the movies have so got it all wrong.

 _Why couldn't I have just gotten it like that? A rush, a little nervousness, maybe a couple of embarrassing events that'll actually turn out to make the guy like me. Instead I get a rush of drowning anxiety with tons of missed or embarrassing opportunities that will no doubt drive him far away from me, along with the crippling fear that I'll never be pretty enough for him to notice me, or that he won't give me the time of day when I try to talk to him, or-_

"Stop!" She slammed her face into the pillow and groaned for a very long time. She also hated being awake because then she gained the magical ability to start overthinking things. And thinking, as everyone knows, is actually far more dangerous of a weapon than an actual blade or gun can be. Eventually she managed to bring herself back to a normal blank state and went back to scrolling through tumblr.

Nepeta glanced up, a certain blog in the suggestions having caught her eyes. Isn't...Isn't that Dave's blog? She squinted to make the blur less problematic. The icon was that of a strategically taken selfie; the pale blond boy doing a flip over stairs that had a mirror over them. Yep, definitely Dave's blog. She had been over at his apartments that day when he had been doing a lot of parkor to capture photos for his portfolio; since he's a senior he needs to gather proof of his ability to take good snapshots for the college he wants to attend.

She clicked on the icon and his blog appeared on the side as a sort of preview. As to be expected it's full of a bunch of pictures he had taken. Most of them were selfies where he played around with lighting and other things dealing with photography. Then there were pictures of him with their mutual friends, like Terezi and John. She ran into a few posts that had her in them. She gave a half grin. When had he taken those? Oh if only she could give him proper credit for being a ninja photographer, but then that would defeat the purpose of her going incognito. Sighing she continues to scroll through. There's the picture he had taken of her cat, Pounce... A pretty shot of the rain hitting a puddle, only for her to realize it's a reflection. It never ceases to amaze her how Dave had gone from the weird 13 year old taking pictures for ironic purposes to being a pro at 18.

She maneuvered the mouse so that it hovered over the follow button. Should she follow him? What if he gets the wrong idea though, considering that her blog is the "lonely hearts club". What if he follows _back?_ Would she become transparent and he'd figure out it's her? No, that's not possible. So long as she avoided using the cat puns and names of their friends then she should be safe. After all no one knew she had made this blog.

In a split second Nepeta made up her mind and hit the follow button.

 _Oh god what have I done?_

For a second she laid there, breathing slightly elevated. Then her sleep deprived nerves settled down to a minor buzz. Maybe she should go to bed now. A glance at the clock told her that it was now a quarter to 5. She really should go to bed now. Her plans required her to be up around 9 and then out the door by 9:30. And the day already seems like it's going to be so long...

With a few more clicked she logs out of tumblr and then off her computer. The screen went dark as it shut down and she's plunged into a semi-dark room. The dawn is already breaking through her window and it creates a blue hue in her surroundings. But after staring at a screen for the majority of the night it still looked pretty black to her. Nepeta closed her laptop and sets it on the floor, pushing it under her bed. Finally she flopped back on top of her pillows, curling up into a loose ball on her side. With a final sigh she quit fighting a losing battle and let her tired eyes close. In moments she tuned out and shut down, falling into a stormy slumber.

* * *

 _Honestly I really shouldn't be starting another project until I finish at least one of my other ones but oh well here I am._

 _I relate fairly well with Nepeta and honestly this story is meant to help me cope with problems I am currently dealing with as well as try to get over someone. And I don't know about you but when you write about one of your favorite characters going through the same things then it just kinda makes it easier. So if you have problems or something with the way Nepeta acts, just remember I'm using her to be my voice._

 _On a more pleasant note I also kinda would like for you to enjoy this story? Sorta backwards I know but I also am writing this with the intent to give a story for others to get a good read. It's just kinda what I do._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck._


	2. It's Not Very Amusing

_Okay so for some reason the reviews on this site have gone kaput and I honestly have no clue why. So if I don't see a review you sent in then this is just a heads up. Anyways, I'd like to thank Sayu-senpai (The Iron Wolf of Winterfell) for sending in a review to this story even though you aren't in this fandom. It's a great help, thank you for your support._

 _Also, I reference a certain Percy Jackson character as a comparison. Consider it a little Human!stuck au headcanon. (And I haven't been on tumblr in a long time so I most definitely not up to date with any of the modifications that may or may not have been done to the website, so forgive me for that.)_

* * *

Nepeta's leg swung lazily from the branch of a tree. She sat up there doodling in her sketchbook, having brought it along to pass the time because she knew that no one else was as punctual as Equius. No one. Ever. Not once since the formation of their rag tag group has anyone ever come to anything on time except for Equius. (And her since Equius is the one who gives her rides to things.)

She sets down her pencil and hurries to hide yet another yawn. Through the tiny slits of her eyes she glared at the amusement park across from her. Between her own poor decisions to stay up so late and the fact that today happened to be a day for cheap deals if you came in early she kind of hated the place. Really what Nepeta needs is to catch up on her sleep, just as much as she needs to catch up on...well just about everything really.

"Nepeta, that is the 15th time you have yawned within 5 minutes," She looks down at Equius who had been sitting right under her reading. "Did you not sleep at all last night?"

Oh if only he knew how many hours of sleep she had gotten within the past week he'd lecture her about taking better care of herself. Nepeta simply shakes her head and yawns again.

"Dear lord," He sighs. "Perhaps you should go home and sleep. I will tell the others and be sure they understand the reason why you could not attend."

She shakes her head again, this time a bit more frantically. "No, I'll be fine. Besides, we've been planning this outing for a while now. It wouldn't be fair of me to not show up!"

And anyways, she knew Karkat was going to be here today. Despite knowing that the odds were against her she still couldn't help but want to see him. She liked the way his dark curls fell into his eyes- a pale, blue-grey color that held a storm within. And though he mostly always wore a scowl as his primary emotion, his rare smile enchanted her like no other. His pale skin, thin yet firm jawline, the way his loose clothing hung off of him in a disheveled way. All of his looks, she loved them. He's a piece of art that she'd love to draw over and over again.

While she internally starts to drool over the image of Karkat the first of their friends begin to show up. A long, lanky teenage boy with shaggy hair pushes a hispanic boy in a wheelchair up to them. Gamzee Makara and his best friend Tavros Nitram. The two are increasingly hard to separate these days. They've gone through things thick and thin. Secretly she suspects that there's probably just a bit more behind their friendship. After all, Gamzee's look is only the most gentlest when he stares at Tavros. It pains her a little that they aren't together yet, but also that once they are she'll be left behind by even more friends in this aspect.

"Heya Broquius, Sis. We the first to show?" Gamzee greets them both pleasantly, offering each a fist bump in turn. He barely has to stretch to reach Nepeta up in her perch. He's just so tall. Equius nods to confirm Gamzee's question.

Tavros stares up at Nepeta and grins. "How's the, uh, view up there?"

Her head slightly twitches at a downwards angle. Is she imagining it or did he sound a little jealous? Maybe she should get down so that way he didn't feel like that, even if it's just her mind playing tricks on her.

"It's _meowvelous!_ " She smiles and fights the urge to yawn again. No use in repeating the conversation she had just had with Equius. Quickly she shoves her sketchbook and pencil into her messenger bag, which had been hanging off of her similarly to the way her leg had been hanging off of this branch. When the task is complete she nimbly hops down and lands in a power pose.

Tavros and Gamzee clap enthusiastically as she stands and takes a bow. For a moment she has to put aside the fact that she really is too tired to be here. Today's a day that will require her to be extra perky and cheery, neither emotions of which she had enough to be expending at the moment.

 _I've gotta hang out with everyone today so they don't get suspicious, despite the fact that I really would rather be somewhere else right now._

Reason number 1 for this: Nepeta felt that today was going to bring her dangerously close to being cranky; something that only occurs when a lack of sleep is present and is also considered out of character for her. Reason number 2: The more she saw her friends in relationships being lovey dovey the more depressed it was going to make her feel. Reason number 3 is walking towards them right now.

Automatically, after being the first to spot her friends walking towards them, her gaze honed in on one person. Karkat Vantas; a senior just like her, a bit dark and brooding, and devilishly handsome in his black t-shirt and vest. She had once read a book about Greek demi-gods, one of them being the son of Hades. His description, among many samples of artwork, have led her to believe that Karkat and the child of Hades could almost be one and the same. He strides towards their current meeting spot with the rest of his group in tow. This entourage included his new best friend Sollux, a techie that liked to wear 3-D themed glasses over his multi-colored eyes. Mixed and matched as he liked to always say. Then there's Sollux girlfriend, Feferi. Often a cheery girl with a sea-themed sense of fashion, she came from Hawaii. The other two members were Terezi, the groups lead blind girl lawyer, and Aradia.

Carefully Nepeta sneaks a glance Equius's way. He had pullen out his handkerchief and was dabbing lightly at his brow. It wasn't very late in the day and it was only just beginning to heat up, so she knew that he was a bit nervous. No doubt his heart was racing like hers as they both looked at their respective crushes. Nepeta returns her line of sights back to the nearing group. With a smile planted onto her face she stuck her arm up into the air and waved it energetically. It really drew the attention to her, though at the moment she wanted more than anything to be hidden from view. As much as she wanted to Karkat to notice her it simply just felt better when he didn't. Whenever he looks at her that happy flutter always manages to find a way to go a little bit further and onto a rather anxious beat.

"Is this all that's showing up?" Sollux demanded upon being within earshot. Over the years the techie they called friend had had a terrible lisping problem. With a lot of hard work they had all pitched in someway to help him, and now he could speak almost completely normal. The lisp itself only became apparent when he either spoke too loudly or if he got upset. At the moment she could faintly catch it, since his voice _had_ been slightly raised, but only just barely.

"No. Dave says that he's coming and that he's bringing Jade and John," Nepeta's fingers twitch towards her left pocket where she kept her phone. Though she's sure that is what Dave had told her, she couldn't help but doubt her own memory.

Sollux's face screws up and he makes a few disgusted noises. For whatever reason imaginable the techie despised Dave with a passion.

And like clockwork, just after she had answered the question, the trio walks up to them. Dave has his camera hanging around his neck. One hand is raised in greeting, while the other is entwined with Jade's. John, a goofball if there ever was one, walks behind them like a third wheel, yet completely oblivious to his position.

"Yo, we made it," Dave picks up his camera and waves it gently around. "Let's get this show on the road. I've got pictures to take, portforlios to make. Time to get entrenched in this bitches."

"I swear if you so much as take even _one_ picture of me I will murder you," Sollux jabs a finger at Dave angrily. The blonde immediately takes the statement as a challenge and lifts his camera up to his face, snapping a picture.

"But no portfolio of mine is complete without a princess," he snickers. Sollux makes a move to deck him, but Feferi intercepts and deflects the potential conflict by grabbing his hand. With her prey hooked on the line she began to reel him excitedly towards the admission stands of the theme park.

Though she berates herself for doing it, Nepeta follows the couple with her eyes, staring at their locked hands. Unwillingly she shifted between that and Karkat. What would it be like to hold his hand? What would it be like to lean her head against his shoulder as they strolled together and-

 _No. Bad Nepeta. Don't let yourself go there._ She snaps herself out of it and gives her head a light shake before bouncing off "excitedly" in pursuit of Sollux and Feferi. She had to keep herself intermediate of the two groups so that she wouldn't feel overwhelmed. The happy loner. In front of her were couples. Behind her were couples and the wannabe couples. And a crush. She has to act as normal as possible without daydreaming. No wishful thinking. If she starts wishing, she'll begin to long for what she can't have. And if that happens she'll only ruin her heart and bring herself down. And when she's around her friends that is absolutely not allowed!

Nepeta jumps up to the booth and waits for her friends, ready to get this day over with so she can agonize over it later.

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

 **Amusement Parks Aren't Really Amusing**

 _People Guide:_

Centaurian- Best Friend

Crabby Cat- Crush

Cooliosis- Cool Friend

Woof- Dog Friend

Color Blind (CB)- Tech Friend

Joker- Clown Friend

Animal Master (AM)- Shy Friend

Mermaid- Princess Friend

Sniffer- Blind Friend

Robo Girl (RG)- Foreign Friend

Eggroll- Nerd Friend

Fish Brain (FB)- A Jerk Friend

 _Friends in Relationships or Just Have Yet to Get Into One With Each Other:_

Centaurian + RG (Not Yet)

Joker + AM (Not Yet)

Cooliosis + Woof

CB + Mermaid

So as you can see with the surface of my friend dynamics barely having been scratched I'm already dealing with a lot in my surroundings. And with other friends and even my family getting into new relationships or whatnot then I just feel...suffocated. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm _overjoyed_ that everyone has found someone to like in such a way, because in my opinion everyone deserves a chance to love and be loved even if it's only just once.

But the longer I go without a chance of feelings being reciprocated then the more I don't want to see others getting what I can't. I'll admit it, I got very jealous of my friends today. Of course I kept this to myself, I'm no downer when it comes to letting other people be happy, but I couldn't help myself. In a way I kind of envy what my friends have too. I can't really say any of this to them though without coming off as a hypocrite though... I think they still hold onto the idea that I'm highly independent and don't need/want a guy at my side. But I'm only normal in that aspect. At some point I suppose even the strongly independent people go through moments of crisis like this.

Anyways, today this specific portion of my friends and myself had planned an out since there's been a lack of school today. It was our "Treat Yo Self" day pretty much. We had all agreed prior that it needed to be someplace lively, and at the time I had the sufficient amount of energy to actually be dealing with something of this caliber. But I'm an idiot who doesn't want to sleep. And as everyone knows, idiots who don't want to sleep screw up a lot.

I can't even begin to describe the number of times I've screwed up today. I haven't tripped over my own feet, or stumbled over my own words, since I was a kid. And the universe seems to find it fitting to make certain that it's always in front of Crabby Cat. Now he'll probably only ever think of a klutz when he hears my name I've never been so ashamed of myself because if only I had gone to be earlier I would have been more coordinated! I mean, I've taken gymnastics pretty much my whole life, so I should be able to keep my balance but _no._

I have to be stubborn and afraid of my own dreams. I haven't slept properly within the last two weeks, maybe even longer, because of the sweet nothings those dreams provide me with. They're just the dumb wishful thinking I've shoved aside during the waking hours coming back to haunt me. The big "What If's" trying to make themselves known in my mind. But I can't let myself wish for what I know is beyond my reach. I'll never go out with CC. I'll probably never even tell him how I feel.

*sigh* Sorry, I'll quit rambling and get on with my story.

I guess that aside from my unusual klutz display then the day went rather okay. Or it would have if Fish Brain hadn't decided to show up unannounced and be an ass.

If I was only given the choice of using 3 words to describe Fish Brain they would be rude, clingy, and British. Yes he does have his merits because he's actually fairly book smart and he's a wizard at science, but his people skills suck balls. Big time.

So anyways, FB shows up unannounced and tags along with us and just generally makes things awkward. The thing about FB is that he's had this long standing crush on Mermaid. But since she's dating Color Blind then she kinda puts him beyond the friendzone level. So he's just kind of a lurker and I really think that the only reason he joined our merry band was because of her. It's just that he honestly seems to have _no filter_ or _boundaries._

For example: He. Does. Not. Like. Me. So his choice past time seems to be insulting my various choices. Today's round happened to be about my wardrobe. He says that it makes me look like a kid furry. Of course I am not going to take any of his crap because 1.) I'm not a furry. I just like to wear cat tails/cat themed hats. 2.) I thought my clothes were pretty suitable for my age. (Combat boots, half sized trench coat, and my favorite band shirt/shorts. Along with my clip on tail. Like an apocalyptic teen or something, right?)

But...

Then CC actually indirectly agrees with FB. It was a completely off handed comment to Sniffer, but I heard it and it still kinda bugs me right now. I mean, I can't stop wondering what style it is that he thinks isn't childish. I don't want to change myself for a _guy,_ but the impulse to do it because of how I view him is killing me. Because there's always this small, insanely annoying voice nagging at me saying: _If you do he could notice you. If he notices you, you might have a chance._

I want him to notice me. God do I want him to notice me. I want it to happen so badly, and for him to say to himself, "Now there's a girl I can like." I feel so desperate for this to happen and it makes me sick of myself.

While I'm slowly starting to feel down on myself FB only keeps making it worse. He pulled on my tail while I was trying to help with getting everyone their food and drinks and...

I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I almost cried. Bet he would have gotten a good laugh out of that if I had.

By then I had reached my limit for the day. Centaurian wasn't anywhere to be found. I think he had gone to help RG with something or was on another ride with her still. He's always been pretty eager to please, no matter who it was really, but RG has definitely been a special one since he had laid eyes on her. I can't really blame him. I feel the same about CC. But at the moment I was covered in sticky drinks and food, he was no where in sight, and everyone else had seen it happen. The weather had become increasingly hot and I was still very tired. Without so much as a word I packed up and left. Cooliosis tried to offer me a ride home, but if I knew that if he was driving then that meant Woof and Eggroll would be tagging along. As much of a terrible idea it was, I just really wanted to be left alone.

So alone is what I got.

And alone I broke down.

In conclusion I have learned that:

1\. My crush thinks I look childish.

2\. Soda and food is really hard to get out of my hair and clothes when it's baked on by the sun.

3\. Amusement Parks aren't all that amusing anymore.

I honestly don't know if I'll be able to show my face around CC at the moment. It doesn't help that I do have _a_ class with him when I go back to school. But if there's just one thing I've come to know it's that the universe just keeps coming back to shove me into situations I don't want, so I guess that I'm just going to have to beat it to the point just to get it over with.

Until the next feelings jam,

-KitKat

* * *

Nepeta stared at her re-telling of today's events, twirling a finger in her wet hair. Maybe she was over reacting with this. It could have gone a lot worse, right? She could have gotten sick or something along those lines. But still. Karkat had thought she looked childish, and then he had seen her covered in food. It's embarrassing enough to make tears start to well in her eyes again.

Why did Eridan have to do that? Why did he have to be such an ass to her?

It's not fair.

 _Life's not fair._

She rubbed her eyes and clicked back to her dashboard. It's just no use arguing with herself when both points she was arguing were right. She scrolled through and saw that Dave had updated his blog with pictures from the amusement park. There were mostly a lot of pictures of him and Jade, which made her gut wrench just a little. They looked so happy...

"Knock it off," she warned herself, and kept scrolling. It was only after a few minutes of this that she noticed she had a notification.

 _dave-of-guy_ started following you.

 _Oh no._ No. Nononononononono. He's going to see the recent post and totally know it's her! He was there for crying out loud! Ugh maybe she should have fabricated a little bit of it so that way it didn't resemble the whole day they all just had.

No, if she had done that then she wouldn't be telling her truth.

Another notification came in, this time a message.

 _dave-of-guy_ asked:

 **looks like you had a rough day, sorry to hear that. hope it goes better for you next time you see CC. i'll be here, as a stranger, to read your stuff if it'll make you feel any better.**

She blinked.

That's it? He's not busting down any doors and pointing fingers at her? How is it he's _not?_

Baffled she decided to respond.

 **Thank you for your support all of a sudden. It's nice, I guess, to see that someone is willing enough to read about my boring problems. Um, I like your pictures by the way. They're very original.**

Okay so maybe she is fabricating a little bit. But if Dave isn't accusing her of being her...then why not pretend she doesn't know him? It's a dumb and risky move, considering that anyone of her woes could be a dead give away, but if it'll help her keep her outlet secret enough...

She sent the message back to him.

"I really am an idiot, in more ways than one," she mumbled to herself as she hit her head with a sigh. "Just please don't let my idiocy shine through to the path of obviousness."


	3. Astrological

Nepeta swallows hard as she walked into her astronomy class. Her eyes dart over to the seat which Karkat had been assigned. It was empty. A sigh of relief forms in the bottom of her chest, intermingling with disappointment and a touch of nervousness. She knew he was here, so that meant he was going to walk in after her or else he'll be late.

She slid into her seat and pulled out a spare sketchbook, one that's different from her normal one. Nepeta intended to draw things for her blog, but all of her friends insisted that they look through her artwork, so she couldn't put them in her regular one. It had taken her a bit of extra time this morning to dig out the old drawing book from the disaster known as her room, but it was going to serve its purpose finally after being ignored for so long.

Currently she works on an icon, so that way one of dumb customary pictures tumblr provided wouldn't always just be sitting there representing her blog. Nepeta had decided to keep to a theme, and that was making it club related; therefore a badge it was. Later she'd see about scanning it and using Sai to clean it up.

The bell rang and she glanced up with her eyes only to watch Karkat stroll in with a scowl on his face. He wore a dark grey shirt with an aviators jacket today. He fell into his seat and let his backpack hit the floor with a heavy thump. Quickly she returns her focus to her sketchbook. Instead her eyes wandered all on their own to scrutinize her outfit.

Was it childish today too? In her time of sleeplessness she had spent raiding her dresser for something that would make her look less like a kid. The end result had been a lot of frustration and a fuck it all attitude. She picked and olive green shirt that was light and airy, with an intricate, darker color winding over the front; she had also chosen khaki capris and matching sandals. It was hard to abandon her cat hats, especially since she had a cute white one that would have gone well with this outfit, but she suspected that was one of the things making her look childish. Now she had to deal with her bright orange hair sticking out like a sore thumb and it made her uncomfortable. However the moment she had tried to leave the tail out of the equation she panicked. For whatever reason she had grown to think of it as a lifeline over the years, and without a lifeline people drown.

Quietly Nepeta draws the outline of the badge while the teacher got down to business at the front of the classroom. She draws another ring inside of the first circle and stops.

 _I shouldn't make this too complex, but what can I draw that defines a lonely heart member?_

Absently she doodles different designs around the badge until a particular one caught her eyes. The heart, for that is what she had drawn, was split in half. One side whole, while the other only had a thin outline and was open ended.

 _You give away half of your heart when you love someone you know won't love you back, and it leaves this aching chasm within you,_ she thinks glumly. The design was perfect for her badge, so carefully she draws it bigger within the circle and begins to plot out a color scheme. Magenta for the inner circle-perhaps a bit closer to purple almost, and a more fuschia-pink combo for the heart and outer ring. Nepeta jotted these notes down on the corner of the paper and quickly shut her sketchbook when she heard the teacher telling them to partner up.

 _Shoot, why are we doing this?_ Nepeta internally berates herself for not keeping track of what the teacher had been saying. She glances around briefly before returning to stare at her desk. The only one she knew in this class was Karkat, and though she had worked with him on projects, that was before she realized she had _feelings_ for him. Now she wasn't sure how much he actually liked working with her, this being due to her over analyzing the last time she had asked him to work with her and he had said no.

The people around her jumped from their seats to join their friends. She felt self-conscious of the fact that she wasn't moving to join someone. Without intending to her heart began to jump and ache.

Someone sat down heavily next to her, and she chanced a glance.

"We're working together today," Karkat says gruffly, looking a little uncomfortable, but at least it is at her. For a moment she forgot the simple concept of breathing and openly stares at him. Snapping out of it as quickly as it came she nodded her head and grinned at him as normally as she could.

"Okay," She shoved the sketchbook into her messenger bag and turned in her seat so she's faced him, trying to relax herself as much as possible. A stack of papers is passed around and she grabbed two, studying them quickly to get the gist of what they're supposed to be doing. She restrains an even bigger grin as she realizes this project is meant to take a couple of days. It's a research project on the zodiac; they were going to look up the beliefs surrounding them and the characteristics that defined each constellation. It's a topic that actually interested her, though not many people knew it. And she was going to be working with Karkitty!

 _No. Karkat,_ she chides. _I can't refer to him with silly nicknames or he really will think I'm childish._

She handed him one of the papers and continued to study the instructions on her own.

Karkat cleared his throat to get her attention. She looked away from the paper and back at him. He rubbed the back of his neck, staring at her with a slight apologetic expression.

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened on Saturday. We should have kicked Eridan's ass to the curb or something," He blew out a long breath and shrugged. Nepeta was about to respond by saying he didn't have to be apologizing, since he did nothing wrong, but then she remembered the thing he had inadvertently agreed with.

 **He's apologizing for the wrong thing,** that nagging little voice whispered like a ghost in the back of her mind. Ignoring it she shook her head and forced a smile. "It's fine."

Karkat squinted at her, a look of disbelief filling his gorgeous eyes. Her heart stutters briefly before carrying on at its already fast pace. Could he have seen right through her?

 **He can.**

 _No, he looked away and at the assignment._

 **He knows.**

 _He's not suspicious, he started talking about how we're going to split up the work._

 **He's judging you. You'll never reach up to his expectations.**

Nepeta smiles and nods in agreement to the things Karkat said, trying to shush her inner conflict. After they sorted it out he got up to get them laptops from the cart at the front of the room. She watched as he left, saw the way his hands formed loose fists, occasionally twitching tighter. She picked out the way his hair stuck up in the back; how some of it curled down his neck and contrasted against his skin with the beautiful light and dark combo.

A tiny sigh escaped her and she rested her chin in the gentle cup of her hand.

 **You'll never have him.**

 _I know._

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

 **It's in the Stars**

With the rest of this weekend out of my way and the school day done for I can officially call it a quits. It's been a mixture of good and bad. Good because 1.) CC apologized to me for the weekend incident and 2.) We're working on a project together for class!

We're researching things about the zodiac and it's really fun. CC is a Cancrian and I'm a Leo. Secretly I may or may not have looked up compatibility things, but can you really blame me? I got too many mixed results though just because of so many people's opinions. Although it seems that a lot of them are against the Cancer/Leo combo. Hmmph, shows what they know about pairings am I right? No but really that is just a little disheartening ya know? And I suppose this leads into the bad part of this shebang.

So...it's good that CC apologized but... I don't know maybe I really shouldn't let this be getting to me... He apologized more for what FB did over what he himself had said. I don't think he even realizes that I had heard him, or that his comment actually did kind of hurt me, but it still kinda gets me down ya know?

But at least he even had the thought to apologize, so that's good, right?

Which brings me to the near meltdown during lunch. Mermaid made FB apologize to me, but when she wasn't looking he pulled my tail again so that it came off and he wouldn't give it back. That's when I had had enough and I bit him. He turned into a little baby and went and tattled on me to the teacher. If anyone's being childish in anyway it's him. I wanted to claw that smug look right off his stupid face! When the teacher was done lecturing me he gave back my tail but I had to leave before I lost my cool again.

Another thing that bothers me was that Centaurian wasn't there during lunch, and CB was the one who had to tell me that he and RG went out to eat. I double checked ot make sure that he hadn't messaged me this himself, but there wasn't anything from him in my texts that was recent. I don't mind if he goes out with RG, I'd be happy for my best friend if he could, but it's just not like him to forget to message me something like that. He's usually always got my when I need him and vice versa for me, but lately...he's just been drifting away from me it seems.

Or maybe _I'm_ the one who's drifting further away from him. Could he be doing it because he thinks I don't need him so much? Oh god I sound so controlling when I put it like that, I'm sorry.

I think I'm just going to shut up before I start taking the 'deeper meanings' route any longer.

Until the next feelings jam,

-KitKat

* * *

Nepeta sat at her laptop putting the finishing touches on her icon when she received the message on tumblr.

 _Anonymous_ asked:

 **u should check ur privileges no one has to tell u anything if theyre going out w/ someone they like uwu**

Immediately a panic button was hit in the back of her head. She didn't _mean_ to come off as controlling, that wasn't even her intention! It's just that Eq would have told her about something important like asking Aradia out to lunch and it kind of hurt that he hadn't. Not only that but if he had been there at lunch he could have helped put Eridan in his place, especially since he hadn't been there last time and-

 _But you wouldn't understand that would you?_ she silently questioned the anonymous person.

Nepeta clutched her head between her hands, tears fighting against her will to pool out and escape down her face and onto her bed where they could stain and remind her of what a terrible person she was. It had gone from a relatively neutral evening to chaos all just because of a few words that caused her to overthink. She felt equal parts of frustration and panic welling inside of her head and chest like a cyclone trapped in a balloon. It scrambled everything and she wanted more than anything for it to just _go away._

 **You started pulling away first so he thought it would be okay as well. Shut up and deal with it.**

 _But Equius always wants my input on things like this. He told me himself he didn't know what he'd do if I couldn't help him. I-_

 **Maybe he wants to try thinking on his own for once, have you ever thought about that? Or have you only been too consumed by your own pathetic selfishness to realize that he isn't going to need you for everything like you so obviously do. Even though you've been the one pulling away all along. Geez it's no wonder Karkat thinks you're childish.**

 _It was just my clothes... Unless he thinks now I'm incapable of handling a situation maturely?_

She flashed briefly back to the moment she had bit Eridan. Had Karkat seen that?

 **What a hypocrite you turned out to be. Through and through. Yep, this is the legacy of Nepeta Leijon. She can't get a grip for anything and it's causing her to lose it all.**

She bit her bottom lip and squeezed her eyes shut. A few tears slid out and hit her pant leg. She really is just a child if she's letting a few words by known and unknown people affect her like this.

 _I'm horrible._

 **You're horrible.**

Her phone began to ring with a tune that she had at first found cute, but now she couldn't help but resent it. Stupid Nyan Cat. So damn childish. Swallowing hard and unclamping her hands from her head she reached behind her for the phone. Rubbing her eyes with her hand she stared bleary eyed at the message.

 **Sweatquius**

 **Nepeta, I had heard about what Ampora did at lunch and I apologize for not being there to help again.**

She noted, with a glum drop of her heart, that yet again there was something wrong with the apology she had received. It seems that she'll only be getting either half of it or the wrong thing today. She's about to send him a response saying he didn't have to apologize when another message from him came in again.

 **And I'm also sorry for not notifying you about my plans for lunch. I had meant to tell you yesterday but it had slipped my mind, and today had been quite nerve wracking because of it.**

Nepeta felt the guilt worm its way uncomfortably through her chest. She shoved the terrible feelings from just a few seconds ago down into some crevice she wished they'd never resurface from again and responded to Equius.

 _It's fine. How did your outing go?_

 **She had a splendid time, as did I.**

 _That's gurreat Equius! :33_

She smiled sadly at her phone before setting it off to the side and returning to the task on the computer. Trying to not look at the message Nepeta deleted it and returned back to finishing her icon.

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

 **New Icon**

So in to commemorate the opening of this club I present to you this icon. You can theorize it however you want, find the deeper meaning, analyze it, whatever. But to me the piece that's missing represents the part of ourselves we give away in the name of love and never get back. And it leaves us struggling with what we have left even though it's never enough.

So cheers, lonely hearts.

-KitKat

* * *

 _dave-of-guy_ asked:

 **sorry that today was sucky, but at least you're making headway with CC right? tbh i wonder what this FB has out for you because his bullying is unreasonable. btw, does your blog happened to be named after a song?**

lonely-hearts-club:

I do suppose that the fact that he thought to apologize anyways reall does mean that I must hold some kind of value in his mind, right? And that he came to _me_ for working together holds some significant meaning too... But I really shouldn't be trying to find some hope in the area dealing with CC. I know it's never going to work out for me.

In regards to FB I have no fucking clue why he bullies me. He's just been increasingly rude since CB + Mermaid got together so my best guess is that he's venting his frustration in the most inconvenient way possible.

And wow you noticed! I was wondering if I should put something in the summary about it, but yeah the Lonely Hearts Club is actually a song and it's by Marina and the Diamonds. It's actually a really good song and it's fairly...relatable.

-KitKat

* * *

 **Karkitty**

 **Hey Cat Girl, do you think you could maybe draw or paint or whatever the fuck some pictures of the zodiac?**

 **It's just an idea I had that *MIGHT* make our presentation seem *COOLER*.**

 **Sorry I just thought that since you were an *ARTSY* person that it'd just be, gah how do I put this, impressive? I mean I've seen your artwork and you do work some sort of fucking magic or whatever so yeah...**

 **You know what just forget it, it's a stupid idea.**

Nepeta stared in shock at her phone. She had completely _forgotten_ that she had traded phone numbers with Karkat just before class had let out! Now that she can see this refreshing evidence as clear as day she can't help but grow warm with fuzzy feelings. A grin cracked and spread over her face as she read his message over and over again. He liked her art?! And he wanted her to draw stuff for their project? Please tell her she isn't dreaming!

She pinched her flushed cheek and winced. Still definitely in reality. A breathy giggle escapes her.

Another message pops in from Karkat and she realized she had been taking a very long time to respond.

 **You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Like I said just forget it, sorry for bothering you.**

 _Oh no I'd be very happy to do it! It's a gurreat idea, which zodiac members do you want me to draw?_

She hits her face with the heel of her hand after she sent the message. "A cat pun? Really?"

 **Oh uh...whichever ones you *WANT* to do I guess? I mean you really don't have to I was just spit balling ideas like a loser who can't go the fuck to sleep.**

So Karkat couldn't sleep either?

 _Hehe it's okay. I don't mind doing it. It's not like I plan on going to sleep anytime soon so I can get started on it right now. :33_

Again with the stupid cat quirks? She ground her teeth in agitation. What is she, a little kid?

 **Really?**

 **Okay then. I guess have at it.**

She had to bite down on her knuckles to keep herself from squealing. So today had a lot of down's, but at least the universe had seen fit to provide her with a few up's as well. Definitely too excited for sleep, she started out on the new project that Karkat had entrusted to her.

* * *

 _So, to the reviewer erisam, yes you may join this club. Anyone that has a lonely heart and be a member of the Lonely Hearts Club._

 _To mangleandfoxyproductions, in canon Karkat did know that Nepeta had a thing for him. In this story though Nepeta's under the impression that he doesn't know though. I'm just not sure yet if I'm going to make it that Karkat actually does know or not._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck, just my feelings._


	4. Skating Accident

_Wow okay so thank you guys for all the follows and favorites! I'm sorry that I'm taking forever to update everything but I guess that's what I get for taking on so many projects at once. *le shrugh* Oh well with summer on the rise I've got more time on my hands so I'll be sure to update as much as I can. Thank you~_

* * *

 **That Cool Cat**

 **yo nep wanna hang out today?**

 **hey**

 **heeeeeeyyyyyy**

 **are you even awake yet?**

 **look i know it's only 11 but ya gotta get up**

 **hello?**

 ***sigh* guess i'll just have to tell karkat you aren't coming**

Nepeta rubbed her eyes with a groan. She lazily pawed around her bed to find her phone and shut it _off_. After a few fruitless minutes of searching she sat up and looked around groggily. Of course the stupid thing _had_ to be just beyond her reach. Swiping it from its place Nepeta flopped down and silenced her incessant ringtone.

She would have totally been fine with falling back asleep instead of responding to Dave, if it weren't for his last text.

Now wide awake she quickly responded.

 _What do you have in mind?_

 **and she lives! yo you were hella dead to the world until mention of your beloved knight was brought up, weren't you?**

 _:3P Was not._

She yawned. Okay so maybe she had been completely dead and would have been content to remain as such if he hadn't mentioned Karkat. But as of late this past week she had been filling up on a lot of feel goods. In her opinion there had been a lot of positive interaction with Karkat, and that had caused her to drop her guard just a little bit. She was starting to become just a little carried away and forgetful of what she shouldn't be doing. Hope was breaching her walls.

 **we're gonna hit the skate park, trade out fuckin rad tricks, you know the usual**

 _I'll see if I can find my roller blades. What time do you want me to swing by?_

 **well now would be ideal but since you suddenly became alive to the world i'll cut you some slack and say you've got about 5 potatoes worth in minutes to get your cat tailed rear end over to the park**

 _Dork. I assume you're gonna be doing more portfolio work, as if you don't already have enough. ;3P_

 **ladies and germs it seems that today's winner is non other than miss leijon herself**

 **your reward is a gold star**

 **\- goldlilnugget (image) -**

 _Smartass_

 **only the smartest damn ass you will find in the country**

 **other titles include _fine ass, plump ass, gorgeous ass..._**

Nepeta buried her grin behind a pillow as Dave continued to apply various adjectives to his ass. Sometimes his weirdness overflowed too much and it made her constantly wonder how exactly it is they became friends. This thought would then sub sequentially be followed by a brief flashback of Dave getting her cat, Pounce, out of a tree and then declaring that they would be sharing custody rights over her. It always made her giggle because of how silly he's always been.

Slowly she got up and stretched. Then she rolled off the bed and crawled towards her closet, opened it, and then pawed around for her roller blades. Whilst pawing through this warzone she produced a cute red, plaid skirt that she had completely forgotten she owned in the first place. Maybe a tank top would work well with it? And some knee high socks? Oo and maybe her black cat hat!

 **Why are you getting so worked up over your appearance? I thought you had resolved the other day that it didn't matter?**

She bit her lip and shook her head. She was still allowed to try and look nice, right?

 **But are you doing it for yourself or for _him?_**

She frowned and conceded that the annoying voice had a point. So hastily she decided it was for herself, but with a hint of guilt she was secretly hoping that Karkat would like her outfit.

Finally she found her roller blades and she pulled them out of the junk pile triumphantly.

* * *

"Dave!" she yelled as she raised her hand up in greeting. The blonde looked up with a grin. Quickly he raised up his camera and snapped a picture of her. A faint trail of fire ran along the bridge of her nose but she ignored it and rolled over to him.

"You are just in time. The majestic Karkles is about to pull an epic faceplant," Dave gestured across from him and she peered curiously at Karkat, who was on a silver bike, readying himself.

"Shut up you prick!" Karkat yelled. Nepeta felt an incorrigible grin pulling at the corners of her and she wanted to giggle at how silly they were being.

"So hot stuff, who are you all dolled up for?" A wiry arm slung itself over her shoulders and she looked up to see Dave's brother, Dirk, grinning down at her. She blushed slightly and tried to indignantly proclaim that it was for herself. Much like the annoying little voice she argued with he didn't believe her.

Dirk nodded and smirked in disbelief. "Your color scheme is very matching to a certain brooding firecracker that's about pull some sweet tricks-"

"Faceplants," Dave interjected.

"-over there. Could this be a possible cry for Senpai to notice you?" She shoved Dirk away and bit her bottom lip, chewing on it with a mounting anxiousness. Was she really that transparent? She didn't want to come off that way. Sure it would be nice if he did notice her, but she couldn't let herself hope for a lucky break. Once was enough with the project, but anymore and she'd be dragging herself through the mud with regret.

"Yo, Earth to Nepeta come in," She blinked as Dirk waved his hand in her face. "I said I was sorry for teasing you. Sheesh for a moment I thought you were a goner."

Internally Nepeta berated herself for having an episode here of all times and places, but on the outside she smiled and said, "Don't worry about it. It's cool."

It doesn't fail to escape her notice that both Dave and Dirk share a concerned glance with each other. So quickly she adds something she would normally say. "Well I'm gonna spit some rad tricks out there without you two losers if you're just gonna stand there. See ya!"

With a giggle she pushed forward and left behind indignant cries the wounded. She kept a smile on her face, but focused on keeping her mind as blank as possible. She couldn't be getting upset here. There would be too much on display and she didn't want her friends to know just how weak she really was.

Nepeta absently rode along the swells of the park, only stopping when Karkat called to say he was going to perform his trick.

She pulled herself up to the top and sat to watch him as he launched over the edge and up a swell to perform a youth roll combo. She watched in awe, admiring his form but also noting he was a bit stiff. That meant his landing would jar him loose and sting a bit. When he finally came down she applauded with Dave, Dirk, and-

"Sounds like Karkles has got some sweet moves. Pretty fly for a white guy if you ask me," Her gaze hones in on the incoming trio with mixed feelings. Latula and Mituna, the older siblings of Sollux and Terezi, were walking hand in hand with their skateboards hanging at their sides towards everyone. While their frequenting of the skate park wasn't unusual, it was their tag along and speaker that held most of Nepeta's attention.

" 'Sup TZ, Tula, Tuna," Dave offered everyone a fist bump, 'ironically' missing Terezi's hand the first time before hitting it on the second round. She caught sight of Karkat going up to great them. It dawns on her suddenly that one of the mixed feelings she has is irritation with the new arrivals, particularly Terezi. It bugged her how Karkat always seemed to be eager to talk to Terezi, yet with her he seemed to only want to engage in conversation if he needed something from her. Mortified by the onslaught of anger, Nepeta hurried to conceal the feelings and hopped down from her perch to meet up with everyone.

Mituna saw her and grinned, waving the hand that clutched a skateboard in the air furiously. Exuberantly he yelled, "Kitty!"

When they had first met he couldn't pronounce her name very well without tripping over it constantly. The solution had been to call her by what he identified her with. Kitty became her pet name and he never gave it up, even after he finally managed to say her name right. She didn't mind at all, because in all honesty she just wanted to spoil Mituna rotten. Really she had encouraged him to keep calling her Kitty.

"Hey Tunafish," she laughed and gave him a hug. He wore his Bumblebee stripes today, his favoritest shirt ever, and his handsome curls were mostly hidden by his expressive helmet. They boy gives her a sloppy kiss on the forehead before pulling away with a large grin.

"So you were having this rad party and you didn't think to invite _us?_ What a shame," Latula cleared her throat and flashed a cheeky smile.

"I was just about to page you to get your asses out here," Dirk joked accordingly in response. The banter carried on and Nepeta lets her gaze drift over to Karkat.

A strong tinge of jealousy rang through her as she watched him converse with Terezi. She hated how easy it looked when the other girl spoke to him. They could be talking about anything and Karkat would still be interested in what she had to say. Nepeta felt like she couldn't hold a good conversation with him anymore to save her life, and it was frustrating.

She turned away and skated back into the park, not really caring if she was being rude or not. Her own feelings were making her feel uncomfortable and it made her worry that the longer she stood there the more apparent it would become that she was an awful person.

Nepeta pumped her legs quickly and picked up speed. She needed a release, and pushing herself to the max sounded like a great idea at the moment.

 _I don't even care if I gt hurt. I bet it would make me feel better, even if it's only just a little, if I did._

She didn't have ideas like that often, and when she did get them she just shoved them away like always. But she felt too tired to fight them off. She was drained already and the day had barely even started for her. The short pockets of actual happiness hadn't been enough for her. A sinking feeling infiltrated her heart.

She sighed and pushed up a swell, deciding she should go get a drink before doing something stupid. Unfortunately the nearest water fountain was at the Aquarium next door because the skate park was cheap like that. So she followed the sidewalk and left the skate park. Nepeta rolled up to the big glass doors of the Aquarium, peeking in to make sure there wasn't any staff hanging around to get her into trouble for wearing her roller blades inside. The cost appeared clear so she opened the door and maneuvered around on the sleek floor to the water fountain. She took a generous drink when she got there, and when she was done she decided to examine the nearby fish display. The feeling of avoiding responsibility-a.k.a Procrastination- settled on her shoulders and she guilty silenced it by telling herself she was jsut preparing to fake being normal before she went back.

She rolled close to a display and watched the colorful fish swim about in their dull way, lacing her hands together behind her back. Once upon a time she would have felt more keen on tracking individual fish and pretending she was on a hunt, but now... Now she couldn't even focus worth a darn on a single one of them. All she could do was stare blankly at the moving creatures and feel empty.

She wondered what it would be like to be a fish. They probably didn't have romantic problems or social stress in their one track lives.

"Hey! You can't wear those in here!" She snapped out of her revere, whirling around and almost falling over. Her eyes narrowed and a heavy frown tugged at the corners of her lips. Across the lobby is Eridan Ampora wearing what looks like the Aquarium uniform; a three piece suit that consisted of a grey shirt and coordinating navy blue slacks and vest. It actually made him look responsible, even with the violet streak running through his slicked back hair.

"Since when do you work here?" She asked with a hiss. "Or work at all for that matter."

Eridan scowled, pushing his bulky hipster frames up the bridge of his nose. "I've been working here for the last couple of months, thanks for listening to me when I announced that I got a job here."

Nepeta clamped her jaw shut, fighting the urge to say something mean to him. Just because he was a dick to her didn't mean she had to stoop completely to his level. She clenched her hands and turned them into fists, letting her nails did into the palms of her hands. Nepeta turned to go, lightly gliding across the floor to the exit.

As she passed Eridan he said, "Look, Fef told me to apologize to you again so I'm sorry."

Nepeta ground her teeth in irritation. What is it with people not giving her a proper apology lately? Did they just not wish to acknowledge the fact that there was something specific that had bothered or upset her? Saying sorry just didn't cut it anymore, because that just meant people could apologize to her for anything but what they needed to apologize for.

"Keep it, I know you're not being sincere," she spat. Nepeta reached the door and wrenched it open, escaping to the outside.

She didn't want to be here anymore. She just wanted to go home and be surrounded by her blankets and pillows, looking at memes and laughing at them to make her forget she felt like shit, or drawing more things for her blog. Anything to distract herself.

Her heart started to pound against her chest as she let her thoughts overwhelm her. Slowly her calm breaths turned ragged as her feet led her back in the direction of the skate park.

"Nepeta, wait!" She looked over her shoulder and saw Eridan jogging out of the Aquarium. _No._ She didn't want his apology. She just wanted him to leave her _alone!_

She faced forward again and raced to the park. Eridan swore and then picked up his pace, the sound of his feet pounding against the concrete as he chased after her. Panic skyrocketed in her veins and mixed with the wrathful fire within her to create a turbulence of negative emotions that threatened to engulf her if she didn't calm down.

She was almost in the park when a hand wraps firmly around the crook of her elbow and she jerked backwards, her wheeled feet scrabbling to remain upright. The other hand belonging to Eridan pushed between her shoulder blades and tilted her up. When she was absolutely certain she wasn't going to fall over she turns around and starts to hit Eridan.

"Let go of me!"

"Not until you accept the apology!" Eridan clenched his teeth and winced with each hit he took. Her temper flared to outrage at his audacity. How dare he try to force her to accept an apology he didn't even mean!

"Why should I when you're just going to turn around and bully me again?! If you actually meant it you wouldn't keep repeating the offense!" She finally made him go and she slowly rolled backwards. "And why just _me?_ What did I do to be the one you have to use as an emotional tantrum punching bag? Just because Feferi chose Sollux over you doesn't give you the right to be an ass to whoever you _feel like_!"

At this point her volume had escalated to a shout, having boiled over the critical point with now stopping now. She was breathing hard, her lungs seizing up and choking her. Tears burned the rims of her eyes and she fought to keep herself under control. Behind her she could hear her friends calling up to her, asking what was going on.

Eridan opened his mouth to protest but closed it in acknowledgement to the fact that she was right.

"Don't you realize that your words and actions actually affect me? Even if you think I've got a thick skin and can get over it?" her voice toned down to a whisper and she cursed herself. That was revealing too much to the last person she wanted to know that she was breaking.

Eridan looked like he wanted to say something again, this time about her previous comment. His gaze shifted to something behind her on the ground and his eyes widened a fraction before he shouted, "Watch out!"

Nepeta felt the back of her wheels slip off the lip of the skate bowl and her heart flew right out of her mouth and choked a scream. While she had been busy getting angry she had also been slowly inching backwards. The sound disappeared all except for the air rushing by at what must have been a million miles per hour. For a split second all she saw was the bright blue sky.

The next moment blurred together. Eridan ran forward and was above her blocking out the light. She glimpsed his eyes, a powerfully strange look confusing her just before he pulled her closer to him. They were both falling. And then they both crashed against the wall, rolling the rest of the way down. The air rushed out of Nepeta's lungs the moment she made contact with the ground. Her hat was tugged off her head and her hair flied freely. Her ears rang, and when they had come to a stop she struggled to breathe just like a fish out of water.

People rushed over, standing above her and blocking out the sun. Their faces were dark and she squinted to try and see better. She was good at reading lips thanks to her sister, Meulin, so she knew they were asking if she was okay.

Multiple hands pulled her away from Eridan and him away from her to help them sit up. The blood rushed back down and with it her hearing returned.

"Nep, you okay?" Dave? Yeah that was Dave. He waved his hand in front of her face.

"Am I bleeding?" she mumbled. Her whole body had gone numb so she couldn't feel any pain.

Dave checked over her in concern. "No. It doesn't look like it."

"Then I'm fine," she blindly reached forward and undid the straps on her rollerblades. Her feet slid out and she tried to stand up, looking at Eridan.

He was busy checking his uniform and making sure it hadn't torn. Some of his hair had come loose and fallen into his tan face, his glasses slightly askew. her mind felt sluggish and she dimly wondered what possessed him, the snooty no good prince, to put himself at risk while trying to save her. A half formulated plan told her to reach out and help him up, but based on how light she felt the action was stopped before it started.

"Oh my god _your shoulder_!" She looked around thinking she had heard Karkat. In the process she checked her right shoulder. A very fine layer of skin had beeen removed and it its place was a very angry looking mark with tiny beads of blood making their way to the surface. She brushed it and the area prickled with the return of feeling.

"I think...," she said slowly, her vision blurring. "I think I'm gonna go home now."

The ringing in her ears returned and her heart beat accelerated to that jumpy-achy tempo she hated so much. She took a few steps away from everyone, unaware if she was being followed or not. One of her legs buckled and she sank to the ground. Nepeta stared at the concrete, which felt very warm underneath her, and thought about how this would be an excellent place and time to take a nap. She closed her eyes and fell over.

* * *

Nepeta woke up with a start and a throbbing headache. Scratch that, a throbbing everything. Even her lungs hated her, not processing the oxygen correctly and forcing her to take deep breaths that made her sound like she was hyperventilating. It took her several minutes to bring it back to normal.

By the time she had succeeded that then she was able to take in her surroundings. To her surprise she found that she had somehow made it to her bedroom. Nepeta pawed around her bed to look for her phone, wincing as pain shot through her shoulders and ran all over her upper back. Her hand hit the cold metal of her phone and she grabbed it. A little light flashed in the corner and she knew that she had missed some messages. She turned it on and the little clock read a quarter to one. How long had she been knocked out? Swiping the lock she opened her messages to see that they were all from Dave.

 **That Cool Cat**

 **hey when you wake up just know i'm gonna be coming over**

 **we're chillin' at your place for the rest of the day**

 **i'm probably just gonna stay and crash for the night**

 **yeah actually that's a brilliant plan go me**

 _Dave you don't have to do that, I'm fine._

 **too late your cat already has me arrested at gunpoint on your couch sayin' love me you piece of shit**

 **gimme cuddles, belly rubs, the whole shebang or you're gonna get it**

 _That's a pretty compelling argument._

 **how often does your cat make deals with the devil to get to this level of cuteness?**

 _More often than you apparently._

"Touche," She jumped when Dave walked into her room holding Pounce in one arm and his phone in the opposite hand. He plopped down on her bed and Pounce wriggled away from him to sit in her lap. Nepeta ran her fingers through Pounce's soft white coat. She could feel the purr between strokes and found it calming.

"What happened after I blacked out? How long was I out?" she asked. Her memory seemed to have a thick barricade of cotton and fuzz surrounding it at the point she had fallen with Eridan. It made figuring out what happened a pain.

"I brought you back here, Eridan went back to work, and the others stayed there trying to figure out what the hell just happened," Dave shrugged. "You've been out for a good solid 20 minutes. Did ya have a nice cat nap?"

She chuckled lightly at his cat pun but didn't respond. Perhaps her body was trying to take every opportunity it could to catch up on sleep, and that included passing out apparently. In all honesty it just made her feel even more tired.

She turned to look at Dave. "So cool cat, what now?"

He grinned. "Mouse trap!"

"Brutal edition?"

"With sick beats provided by yours truly."

"Done."

She snickered and pushed Pounce back over to Dave so she could crawl off the bed and retrieve the game, distracting herself once again.

* * *

 _Okay so I'm gonna try something out with the next chapter (cause it's mostly just going to be Nepeta's activity on her blog); anybody wanna try making this fic an interactive one with me? You can ask questions for either me or Nepeta and she'll answer them as if you had sent them into her blog. Please? I really wanna try this just cause I think it'd be a cool/fun thing to do. Also, if you could send me ideas for blog names for everyone else (i.e Eridan, Jane, Dirk, Karkat, etc.) that aren't their chumhandles that'd be great. Anyways, thanks for reading and supporting this fic!_


	5. Progressive Popularity

_*cries because whenever I talk about anxiety I accidentally give myself anxiety*_

 _Thank you for the suggestions and question SHSL Student! Y'all can ask/suggest whenever cause I still like the idea of making this an immersive story. (Still need help with blog names!) There's gonna be quite a few time skips so just kind of assume that between some of these posts that there's at least a day or two between them._

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"I have an obsession with quotes because people are so much better at putting my feelings into words than I am."

 _#i'm not the writer of my family #that's more my mom's thing #but i'm good at drawing and painting #i think i might do some more things when i can't find the words to describe myself_

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"That's my problem: I think too much, and I feel too deeply. What a dangerous combination." - taking-back-my-life

 _#^^this #i've always been a pretty_ deep _thinker #and i'm pretty passionate #so when these things combine inside of me it's like blowing up a house and then expecting myself to rebuild it using only what's left #and it's harder when you're trying to keep yourself from doing both of these things #because one way or another it's just gonna come back to bite me in the ass_

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"Don't waist your time stressing about things you can't change."

 _#great #yep #totally cured #hot damn i'm so cured #you should write a book #hahahaha haha ha #this is garbage honestly #do you think that if i could i wouldn't have stressed about it in the first place? #it's just like my feelings for CC #if i could just stop feeling for him then i wouldn't even be here #god this is actually terrible advice for people that stress a lot #we aren't light switches #you legit cannot just tell us to stop and then expect us to just magically not think about these things #yeah sometimes it works for a while #but then there's this thing that's called a depressive circle #and you run right into the exact same problems because hey! #we just ignored our problem instead of actually working to fix it #so it came back to bite us in the ass #so yeah great advice_

* * *

\+ roboshy started following you

Nepeta clicked on the follower, curious that someone else (among the few others) had yet again found an interest in her blog. She nearly screamed when she saw that it was Dirk's blog. Now with both Striders following her it felt like there was a ton of pressure to not accidentally reveal herself. If she knows _anything_ about them, which she does, then she knows that they're quick and accurate with their deductions. Especially since they're apart of her inner circle of close friends then they would know.

As much as she really should be telling her friends about this, she just can't bring herself to do it. Maybe it's something irrational. Maybe it's something well founded. Either way she's scared to do it.

After all, who really likes to tell their friends about what an awful person they are?

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"You never really notice how alone you are until you're walking in public by yourself, just staring at all the couples and the groups of friends. You see the boy wrap his arms around the girl's waist and slowly go in for the kiss. You see the friends sitting on the bench, laughing at something that probably isn't funny to most people but is hysterical to them. And then you see a version of yourself, sitting on the other bench across the lake, swinging your legs back and forth wondering where everything went wrong." - i just feel so alone (via lovelyquotting on instagram)

 _#it's 3 am #and here i am depressing myself #because this is what i feel when i look at my friends now #i feel isolated in my group #maybe it makes me an awful person but i feel like i'm the only one #like i'm just stuck in the middle #you have the people that are so in love with each other on one side #and then on the other you have the best of friends and the people that are crushing on each other but aren't brave enough to say something #or just the people that are actually content about their lives #how do they do it? #i've forgotten what it's like to be satisfied with where i am #i've forgotten that i even DID feel happy with myself #i'm not even sure when it is i stopped it just happened while i wasn't paying strict attention to it #i'm just so messed up_

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

\- (image) - _The black and white picture is of a girl wearing a smiley face mask. Short hair curls around it, and a cat hat hides the messy top. It's a bust image, so there's only part of the body showing in which it's mostly hidden by a trench coat. Around the girl little demons come off of her in waves of shadows, like she's producing an aura of them. Some are like imps, others just creatures with sharp claws and fangs, burning eyes filled with hatred. It only takes a look to tell that they're whispering things to the girl, telling her lies about herself and making her believe that they were painful truths. Above this in slanted writing there's a quote._

 _"Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?" - Daughter by Janice Lee_

I saw a quote and thought I'd take it as a challenge.

-KitKat

 _#kitkat puttytat art #let me just say that sometimes the monster isn't always the one that looks scary and intimidating #sometimes the monster is the one standing in front of you with a smile on their face #and the girl in the picture? #heh #that's me_

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

I had a really bad panic attack today. We were doing another assignment in class where we could pick partners and I really wanted to ask CC to be my partner yet I couldn't do it because I was so nervous and I just knew he wouldn't want to be my partner anyways. We had to go up to the library so I went up there very quickly and my heart was pounding and running up stairs is a death sentence. I did okay and thought I managed to calm down some but then I started thinking about how CC might have been watching me and I couldn't breathe I almost passed out. It was really bad because I also felt my heart do this weird thing and I can only describe it as when the engine of a car is sputtering and dying, and then it stops and tries to start up again. I freaked out so bad and I think I might have actually passed out a little then.

The worst part is that I did this in the middle of class, where all these people could see me, and no one had asked if I was okay or needed help. In fact when I did get over it, no one was even paying attention to me. And now I can't stop thinking, just how invisible am I really?

-KitKat

 _#tw: panic attack mention #tw: panic attack #that thing my heart did still freaks me out #i've noticed that it does things similar to this when i start getting anxious #it scares me #i hope it doesn't mean my body is dying #they do say that things like anxiety and depression are silent killers_

* * *

\+ aqua-guardian started following you

\+ cakelock-holmes started following you

\+ mrdanger-n-adventure started following you

\+ thetherapist started following you

Nepeta wanted to scream. Each and every single person in that list of recent follows was someone she knew and who knew her back! She didn't understand how they found her blog, or why they were following her. Well, actually she kind of grasped _a_ concept of why Eridan (aqua-guardian) would follow her blog. From one hopeless person to another right? And Rose (thetherapist) is, well, Rose. Even her blog's title said all that Nepeta needed to know. ' _The Therapist that no one wants, yet everyone needs'_. It was pretty obvious after a few minutes of scrolling through her blog that she ran her own therapy business and utilized the website to connect people that needed serious help together.

But it confused Nepeta as to why Jane (cakelock-holmes) and Jake (mrdanger-n-adventure) would be following her blog, _unless_ they were onto her. She knew that Jane did have some problems in the department of love, but she had thought that the other girl had gotten over it after graduating from high school and moving onto college. And Jake had Dirk, so why would he want to follow a blog about lonely hearts? Unless... _unless they had problems they didn't want to tell others about just like her._

 _Maybe I should start doing an inventory and figure out just what problems it is my friends are having_ , she thought. Perhaps, if she can maintain her secret identity as KitKat, she could go around doing a little bit of Rose does, just for her friends.

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

I think Sniffer might like CC. And maybe...he likes her too. I don't know. Maybe I'm reading into this too much, like always. But I've seen it happen with every one of my friends that are in relationships now or are crushing on each other. I just...I don't know.

Is it wrong of me to hope that I'm just overreacting?

-KitKat

* * *

 _shsl-student_ asked:

 **What do you do if the one you love is interested in someone else?**

lonely-hearts-club said:

I become a mess that smells strongly of hypocrite and depression. On one hand I will just stand back. Especially in my case right now because I know I don't have a chance with him anyways. I'll just wish him happiness and hope for the best for him. If he's happy then that should be good enough for me too, right?

But on the other hand... On the other hand I'll start thinking too much. I'll feel angry at myself and then at the other person that holds his interest so much better than I ever can. I'll split the blame, yet the balance of which end will be heavier is always a toss up to who I'm more mad at for the day. Usually it's at myself for being such a coward, or just not pretty enough, or interesting enough for him to want to know me. I'll be mad at myself because it's not _me_ making him smile, it's _her._ I'll get jealous and be horrified about it. So I'll repress it as much as I can. I'm sure you can figure out where the end of this path leads.

It's already happened to me once before, and I'm afraid that it's happening again now. I _hate_ myself when I'm like this. It's just proof that I'm an awful person. And awful people don't keep their friends around for long, do they?

-KitKat

* * *

 _aqua-guardian_ asked:

 **What's anxiety like for you? Most people don't suspect me of having something like this, and sometimes I wonder if I'm faking it just like I get accused when I say I do. I know a lot of people don't like me, and they say so many things about me that are harsh. Sometimes I agree with them. But...I need to know if there really is something I should be worried about.**

lonely-hearts-club said:

\- (image) -

 _Sometimes my heart pumps water instead of blood-_

 _And it fills my lungs-_

 _And waters flowers-_

 _Though they're beautiful to look at-_

 _I can't breathe because of them-_

 _It drives my head crazy-_

 _When trees sprout too, in their overcrowding way-_

 _And all that's left is to hack them down-_

 _It's very harsh-_

 _Because they come back just as quickly as I cut them down-_

 _And I struggle to repeat the same actions over-_

 _and over-_

 _and over again-_

 _Only for Success to slowly be replaced with Failure-_

 _Denial-_

 _Frustration-_

 _And Deafeat-_

The worst part is, it's always silent. The only loud part about is my thoughts. I can't speak for you, or anyone, on how anxiety truly feels, but I know what's real for me.

And I live with it almost everyday.

-KitKat

 _#tw: anxiety_

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"I'm really afraid to feel happy because it never lasts." - Andy Warhol

 _#me #some days it's better than others and i know i'm okay #other days i can barely keep a hold of anything that resembles happiness #and then there are the days where i just can't feel anything #i wonder when exactly that point where i hit ''too numb'' occurs_

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"Even if you know what's coming, you're never prepared for how it feels." - Natalie Standiford

 _#oh boy #look #i found my sorry ass in a quote_

* * *

 _anonymous_ asked:

 **dude, r u ok?**

lonely-hearts-club said:

\- (image) - _The girl in the trench coat with a smiley face mask holds up a sign that says, "I'm Fine."_

The universal lie.

-KitKat

 _#kitkat puttytat art #i'm okay #don't you see the smile on my face? #p.s. #i'm lying_


	6. Panic

_Yo, sorry I've been gone so long. Someone mentioned a rapid update schedule and suddenly next thing I knew everything had been jinxed X'D. Anyways, I'm sorta back now, so I hope ya'll will forgive me and are still interested in this story. A huge s/o to all the people that reviewed while I was gone, especially the really recent ones, those were a huge motivation for me to get my butt in gear. Also, I'm amazed that so many people faved and followed this story? Like? Wut? Anyways, I'll stop taking up everyone's time with this dumb a/n and let you read the story. Tchüss._

* * *

+fly-free started following you

+stay-strong started following you

+tech3D-kid started following you

+roguehacker started following you

+vampire-fashion-queen started following you

+dogs-n-guns started following you

+make-miracles-happen started following you

* * *

 _ultimate-student_ asked:

 _ **What is your way of dealing with life? I don't know what to do.**_

lonely-hearts-club said:

…

I don't know if you can call my methods 'dealing with life' or just flat out avoiding it at this point. I've changed so much that my answers from when I was a more naïve and happier person would sound so ridiculous and cheesy now that it's not even funny. It's basically a foreign concept to me now.

I suppose that now, though, the things that _do_ help me at least cope are music, drawing, and finding relatable quotes. Finding how others can express what I'm feeling makes things seem easier to bear. But… even those are starting to not feel like enough now. I know what it is I _should_ be doing, but I also know that it's not gonna happen until I'm ready to accept it and move on. Scary thing is, I'm not sure that day's ever gonna come.

Sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for.

-KitKat

* * *

Nepeta glanced at the clock and sighed. In a little less than half an hour she'd have to 'wake up' and get ready for school. She didn't want to go. The thought of being surrounded by people made her want to curl up into a tight little ball and disappear from existence. She just wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with the things blooming right before her very eyes.

It was pretty obvious to herself that what she was doing was indeed avoiding life over facing it head on. Nepeta wished to be alone constantly, always searching for new excuses to avoid the people that should have been making her happy, becoming so lazy that she ceased to be as outgoing as she once was. This caused her to wrap herself up in a thickly woven blanket of apathy and deny empathy its rightful access. In every way possible it increased her insecurity of the world around her, and shoved her into a self-dug pit of loneliness.

With glazed eyes and an almost robotic thought process, Nepeta went into her saved drafts to answer another ask, seeking a distraction from her own mind.

* * *

 _happypanda65_ asked:

 _ **Have you ever felt completely alone even though you're with friends and /know/ you should be happy?**_

lonely-hearts-club said:

Lately that's all I ever feel around my friends. And it really sucs because I'm technically considered one of the more hyperactive members of our group, so now I have to act the part even though that's no where near what I feel now. But… when I'm sure no one's looking I hang back to see how everyone functions without me. It's strange to see how normal everything becomes without my presence there to disrupt it.

And the sad thing is, I can go awhile like this before anyone notices that I'm not there. It's a disheartening thing to view reality by looking at the backs of your friends, isn't it?

-KitKat

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give it up when you know it's everything you want." - _Unknown_

 _#i'm at war with myself because of this #it's like i'm split in two #mind vs. heart #a battle that's incredibly hard to resolve #especially if you're broken_

* * *

Nepeta heavily sat down at the grey lunch table with a sullen stare directed right at the center. The surrounding group of friends jumped slightly at her arrival. A few like Vriska and Kanaya gave her curious looks before finishing up their conversations. Only one was actually brave enough to strike a conversation with her despite the looming aura of irritation that surrounded her.

"Whoa, uh, everything okay there Nep?" Dave tentatively reached out and touched her shoulder. He immediately retracted his hand when he noted how her stare was practically burning holes into the poor, unfortunate table.

"No, I'm not okay," she muttered. "Fucking bullshit is what it is."

" _Yikes_ , Dark Nepeta alert. What happened?"

She would have liked to place the blame on just one particular thing, but it had all been a culmination of irritations up until that current point in time. Her current attitude had been hard to contain because of it. In an attempt to keep trying to rein herself in, she crossed her arms tightly across her abdomen and hunched forward.

It had occurred shortly after she had gotten up to get ready for school. Her mother had been up as well and had gone on a tirade about how she needed to get a job. The rant had been one of many similar from previous weeks beforehand, but today's rant had been the _ultimate_ one. Nepeta had understood where her mother had been coming from beforehand, had even agreed with her up to a certain point, but she just didn't want to. All the jobs available were in the fast food industry and she knew for a fact that she wouldn't be able to handle it. No sense in adding to her anxiety anymore than she already was, but her mother didn't know about that. Instead she had made a big deal about it and caused Nepeta to snap at her, effectively bringing her a step closer to being grounded.

Then after that her first class of the day, Financial Literacy, had basically gone and reiterated her mother's schpiel in the most _inconvenient_ way possible. She always knew she hated Dave Ramsey, but now she knew to exactly what extent. The irresistible desire to throw the balding man into the sun said it all.

And then just before lunch was her Language Arts class. _God_ she hated that class. More specifically she hated that teacher and just who all she shared that hour with.

She had started off drawing, as per usual. The drawing had turned into a roughly sketched portrait of Karkat, and her nagging tag along voice had made her feel paranoid that someone would look at it and get the wrong idea. So she was then forced to listen to her teacher pretend he could act. Just the thought of the man's horrendous narration almost made her cringe. Nepeta may not have been much of a writer, but she could recognize the abuse of commas and periods when she heard them. Altogether her teacher had _totally_ been butchering Shakespeare.

Finally having had enough of it, she had tuned the man out and let her eyes roam listlessly over the room. From her vantage point she could see everyone except for the guys right on her peripheral, the seats having been arranged like an amphitheater to give their unit of study a more _realistic_ vibe. When she had reached one specific asshole's desk she had caught him staring at her. Eridan had quickly looked away and pretended he hadn't been doing anything aside from following along with the teacher, but she _knew._

The prick had been a thorn in her side all week. Nevermind all the usual stuff he did, his persistence went beyond harassment. Was it really that much of her to ask that all he did was get the message and leave her alone? Sometimes she thought the nickname she had dubbed him on her blog, Fish Brain, was an exceedingly appropriate one.

Even as these thoughts ran through her mind, only a fourth of it made it out of her mouth.

"My mom's been getting on my case about getting a job again," she sighed, moving her folded arms to the table top and resting her chin upon them. "Problem is I don't want to work in a fast food joint, but there's nowhere else that's hiring."

" _Whale,_ I can always convince my boss at the aquarium to make room for another employee if ya'd like," Feferi called from the other end of the table.

 _Huh, so other people actually_ were _listening._

Nepeta's gaze seemed to be magnetically wired to find any romantic signs in a couple, drawn to the way Feferi leaned into Sollux, or how there hands sat on top of the table intertwined, or even the way Sollux tilted his head to rest against Feferi's. She wrinkled her nose at the sight before she could stop herself. Hot iron pierced her heart and temporarily seized her lungs. They were so _in love_ that it was physically starting to hurt her just to look at it.

To cover up the slip she pinned the blame on an easy target.

"Thanks for the offer, Fef, but I don't want to work the same job as _Ampora_."

"I wouldn't let the cat girl work there anyways," Nepeta went straight as a rod, clutching the edges of the table so tightly her knuckles turned white. "She'd probably scare off all the fish or eat them."

Eridan Ampora, the devil of the hour, sauntered around the table and placed himself right smack dab across from her. His messenger bag slipped from his shoulder and hit the ground with an attention garnering _thump_. The action practically screamed challenge in her face, and she bristled. Everything about him really pissed her off. From the violet streak in his hair, to those gaudy hipster frames hanging on the bridge of his nose, right down to his _rotten_ , _selfish_ personality. She hated it all.

"Piss off!"

"Easy there Nep!" Dave accepted the death sentence the moment he grabbed her arm to restrain her, as she had stood up so suddenly. She turned her glare on him and he froze. Slowly, like creeping lava, heat bloomed and dominated her cheeks, her entire head. Her chest heaved up and down, building in speed, devolving in regularity. Nepeta cast a quick glance at all her friends and saw varying looks of surprise- the worst appearing frightened. It was enough to blur her vision.

She tugged her arm out of Dave's grasp and snatched her backpack off the ground. Before anyone could stop her she was bolting out of the lunchroom as fast as she could, all the while shielding her face from prying eyes. Behind her she heard someone, she couldn't tell who, nor was she certain that she cared anyways, tell Eridan to go after her. Someone else tried calling her back. But it didn't mean anything to her. It was all noise. Spinning, crashing, and colliding with the blood rushing heavily in her ears. She blindly found an empty hallway and collapsed against a wall, panting raggedly as hot tears made the already unbearable heat worse.

 _How could I do that?! How could I snap at Dave like that? Why did I have to let go of that ugly emotion and show it to everyone? Oh god, they're not gonna look at me the same. My secret's blown. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!_

 **Idiot, that's what you get for holding onto things for so long. Your precious facade slipped and now you've shown some of your cracks. But at least now you're gonna get some of that help you've always been moping about wanting. Unless that's now changed?**

 _Shut up! Just shut up! I don't know, okay? I want help, but not from them! I need their help, but also I don't want their help! I just- I just- Leave me alone!_

 **Hypocrite.**

 _Go away!_

 **Going away would be like erasing one side of a coin. In other words, I can't. You and I are the same person after all.**

 _No, no, no! You're not me! You are not me! I'm not-_

 **Honest? Well, you've got that right. And in a way I suppose I'm not you either since I'm not a coward. Always skirting around your feelings when you're with your friends, pretending that you're alright, it's pathetic. You're horrible.**

Nepeta stifled a growing sob, burying her face in her knees. She hated how _right_ this extra voice of hers was. If she were to be truly honest with herself then it was merely a more cynical version of herself, just as unhappy as she was with how she was behaving and getting on to her because of it. The realization hits her full force and causes her heart to jolt off course.

She clutches her chest and gasps. A low whine squeezes its way out of her throat and past her lips.

 _It hurts…,_ she internally cried out.

"... _peta!_ " A hand on her arm made her jump, her head snapping back and hitting the wall. Wincing, her hands flew up to grip the aching spot, an extra set not attached to her hovering and fluttering around anxiously.

As the throbbing eased away she slowly looked up to see just who exactly had found her. It took her a moment to focus on the face, tears obstructing her vision blurring spots and lines, but the violet streak running through hickory colored hair was unmistakeable. Even though she hated him, loathed his very being, she couldn't find it in herself to care anymore. Instead she simply relaxed against the wall, wiping tears and snot off her face with the sleeve of her jacket.

Eridan was crouched in front of her, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. For a second he fidgeted with something in his pocket before pulling it out and handing it to her. She hesitantly took the item- a violet handkerchief with his initials embroidered in royal blue on a corner- and used it to dab at her abused skin. The silence enveloped them, save for Nepeta's constant sniffling, and they studied each other unsurely.

Finally, "Nepeta, I'm sorry. You were right when you said that it was wrong of me to use you as an emotional tantrum punching bag, and I saw that the other day at the skate park. And- And I'm sorry that I'm still being an asshole even now that I know better. I think I've just gotten so used to being a jerk to you that I don't know how to stop. I didn't mean to make you cry today. I'm sorry."

 _What about all the other times you've made me cry?_

 **He doesn't know about those, remember? And if you're serious about this then he's not gonna find out, is he?**

"That's a start," she answered hoarsely, swallowing multiple times to rid herself of the mucus she had accumulated during her cry. "But I'm not just gonna forgive you so easily, if that's what you're expecting."

He shook his head, wearing a strangely bittersweet look on his tanned face. "I'm not that much of a fool to expect easy forgiveness. I screw things up too much every day of my existence that it's a miracle anyone would even consider something like that for me."

Eridan shook his head and slowly got to his feet. He held out his hand to her, and for the longest time she stared at it. The edges of her vision were trimmed in fog, but the lines of Eridan's palm were as clear and sharp as if they had been placed under a magnifying glass. One line in particular caught her attention. It almost stretched across his entire palm, but with plenty of breaks and slashes cutting it into pieces, all except the very end of it, which was long and went undisrupted. She faintly recalled reading somewhere that in palm reading that line was the line of love, and that all the breaks in the line were supposed to be challenges to his love life. She didn't know why looking at Eridan's hand had reminded her of this, but it was interesting nonetheless.

Nepeta reached out and took his hand, feeling her weight shift as he pulled her up. As she went up, her backpack went down. It hit the floor and scattered a few of her notebooks, sketchbooks included, across the white tile. The old sketchbook flipped open and landed on the page where she had been designing the club insignia, complete with all of her notes on the matter. Both she and Eridan stared at the page until Nepeta came to her senses and dived to the ground to hurriedly gather all of her items.

She shoved them into her backpack quickly and popped back up in record time, her heart pounding madly.

"Thanks, Eridan, but I need to go now. I'll return your handkerchief after I wash it," She spun on her heels and dashed down the hall, shoving the aforementioned handkerchief deep into her pocket.

Desperately, madly, she prayed that Eridan hadn't made the connection between her and the blog.

* * *

Nepeta spent the better majority of her time at home after school reassuring her friends that she was alright, that she had just been too stressed out and had snapped under the pressure, and that Eridan had indeed come to apologize to her. It was a tiresome chore, but if it meant people would leave her alone, so be it.

At one point she had even received a bonus message from Tavros, much to her surprise. After checking in on her he had offered her a job, saying that his dad needed extra hands. She had jumped at the offer. Now she could get her mother off of her back _and_ she didn't have to work in a fast food industry. Nepeta was glad that Tavros's father ran a pet shop over something else. Animals were relatively easy to work with and could maybe even help her with her anxiety.

Setting her phone aside with a lighthearted smile, she pulled her laptop closer to her and opened the internet browser. In just a few clicks, short and quick strokes of the keyboard, and the few seconds of load time, she was logged into her tumblr account.

The first thing that caught her attention was the blue 1 above the little message bubble. Curious, she clicked on it wondering what it was for. A drop down box appeared and she studied it, gathering that it was a message center. And the person she was receiving a message from was none other than aqua-guardian, a.k.a, Eridan.

She clicked on it. In one short sentence her calmness was shattered.

 _aqua-guardian:_

 _ **Nepeta, I know this is you.**_


	7. The Deal

_aqua-guardian:_

 _ **Nepeta, I know this is you.**_

Nepeta stared at the little sentence. In one moment her attitude had gone from a serene and comforting blanket, to a strangulating noose. The roar of silence fought viciously with the sound of her own static filled thoughts; gnashing, crashing, and tearing through every single one of them until the incessant ringing was the only victor standing. For the longest time remained staring at the fixed point on her screen without really seeing a thing.

The idea that she would be found out was one that had already occurred to her. Ever since she had created the blog her inner nagging voice had made her paranoid of that possibility becoming a reality. And as one by one each of her friends started following her blog, that paranoia grew. Any day she expected to be confronted; whether it was by text, through a message on tumblr, or the very next day when she saw them at school. Her first suspect for jumping her case would have been Dave, or even Dirk once he had started following her, but their fingers never pointed at her.

Eridan was the last person she expected to connect the dots between her and the blog, and all just because he saw a few rough sketches for the icon.

Her mind whirled. How could she deflect him? He seemed dead set on the fact that she ran this blog, which, she did, but he wasn't supposed to know that! What the first step to getting out of an unpleasant situation again? Denial?

With her fingers on the keys, she set to furiously typing out a response.

 _I'm sorry, I think you've got me confused for someone else._

Nepeta waited on edge, digging her sharp nails repeatedly into her arms to keep her grounded. Every fiber of her being willed for Eridan's reply to be the desired one. Where he apologized for the misunderstanding and went on his merry little way. Where she never heard from him again unless he sent in asks like the rest of the people on this website. And most definitely where he wouldn't continue to pester her the next day when he would see her, and thereby consequently reveal to the rest of her friends just the kind of person she really was.

 _ **No, I know I'm right. Don't think I'm a complete idiot Nepeta. I saw the drawings in your sketchbook.**_

She scowled at the screen. Alright, Plan A just took a nose dive out the window. Time to move on to Plan B: Counter his evidence with other possible explanations.

 _That could have just been someone's fanart for the blog._

 _ **Really now, this is getting ridiculous. Stop beating around the bush because I'm not going to budge.**_

"Of course," she hissed bitterly. "How could I forget? You're my special thorn in the side. Gotta drive yourself in deeper instead of freaking coming out like you're supposed to."

 _Alright fine. What the hell do you want from me?_

 _ **It's about time. Honesty is the best policy you know. It actually gets you places instead of continuously running in circles.**_

 _Don't antagonize me, Ampora. Just get on with it already!_

…

 _ **Fine.**_

 _ **Is this how you really feel?**_

Her brows knit together in confusion. This was sounding an awful lot more like she had just confessed her feelings to him rather than like they were having a standoff to negotiate a ransom. The fact that he knew she ran a blog about _love depression_ meant that he was going to expect some sort of compensation in order for him to keep quiet, she just _knew_ it.

 _Uh, what?_

 _ **Are the things you post on this blog how you really feel?**_

… _Yes._

His response wasn't immediate and she seriously hoped he wasn't relaying any of their conversation to anyone else. Nervously her eyes kept wandering over to her phone, searching for and hallucinating the little green light that would blink endlessly to signify a text. Twice she caught her hand before she could reach for the device to check.

When her attention finally flickered back to the computer surprise filtered through her system, quickly hardening into rage.

 _ **Let me join your blog, please. If what you say is true then I think we can work together on our problems.**_

 _What?! Hell no! If you've even bothered to read everything then you'd know that I. Don't. Like. You. I mean, you freaking bullied me and unwittingly helped worsen my depression! What makes you think I'd let you get any control over my blog?_

 _ **Okay, I know I've been an ass to you in the past, and this is going to be another dick move coming from me, but if you don't let me then I'll tell everyone that you run this blog.**_

Her face grew warm and she inhaled sharply. Though it wasn't the kind of compensation she was expecting (she was actually thinking it'd be something more along the lines of money or that she just did his homework), Nepeta had called it. The blackmail part was undeniably cliched as well but not something she was entirely sure she could get by without repercussions. Eridan wasn't really known for lying. Avoiding the topic or stretching the truth yes, but not lying. And his evidence was constantly building up against her the longer this conversation went on.

A heavy sigh pushed its way out of her body, deflating her completely.

 _That's really low._

 _ **You need help Nepeta, and you know it but won't tell anyone. I could do it for you, or we could help each other by co-running this blog together.**_

 _Why should I let you be an admin though? If I were to actually consider this, blackmail aside, why should I let you join?_

 _ **The need for coping in anonymity is a mutual feeling you know.**_

She stared at that line for a long time. It was pretty common knowledge that Eridan had major mood swings and actually was capable of feeling more than superficial feelings, it was always something he tried hard to be vocal about.

But because of it no one ever really took him seriously.

Nepeta knew she was no saint, and was just as guilty as everyone else of never believing him. But all of the recent bias was still against him and it made her wary. For all she knew, Eridan could simply pull the rug out from underneath her while she wasn't looking. Or, if she were to apply it to something that he has actually done, he could pull her tail off again.

 _I'll see you tomorrow, Ampora._

 _ **I'm sorry, what?**_

 _I said I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight._

As quick as possible she closed the chat and logged out of tumblr. Immediately after she shut her laptop down and closed it. Nepeta flexed her fingers, shaking ever so slightly.

There was no way she could let Ampora be an admin of the blog, but there was also no way she _couldn't_. The guy wasn't someone who said something only to not act on it. If he really did tell everyone that she ran the blog…

 **-What? He was giving you a solution to get help. Two, actually.**

 _-Will you just shut up?_

 **-Don't get snippy with me.**

 _-But according to you, I_ am _you. And you are me._

 **-Minor details. The point is that Eridan gave you two options. Quite frankly letting him be an admin is the better of the two, if we're going down your sappy route on this.**

 _-But it's Eridan!_

 **-Man you're such an idiot. Can't you see that, in his own really whacked out way, he's trying to make it up to you? The guy understands when he fucks up and he actually tries to** _ **do**_ **something about it, unlike you.**

Nepeta reached around her and grabbed the nearest pillow to smother herself with. Smooth, plushy fabric and padding hit her face and she groaned loudly into the object, nearly bordering on a scream. She _hated_ how much sense her extra inner voice was making. Even though he did blackmail her, Eridan had ultimately been trying to offer her help.

" _God dammit, fuck me!"_ she yelled into the pillow before sitting up and tossing it at her closet doors.

 _-I better not fucking come to regret this! I'm blaming you if I have to say I told you so._

 **-Haha, good one.**

* * *

Nepeta cornered Eridan the first chance she got, jumping him just before he entered the commons area. Hastily she pulled out the violet handkerchief and shoved it at his chest. He gaped at her, clenching the little cloth between his thumb and the rest of his fingers while rubbing his chest slightly. Nepeta glowered at him, crossing her arms tightly over her chest and tapping her foot in a quick paced tempo.

"I'll send you an invite to be an admin," she muttered. Before Eridan could do anymore than open his mouth she added, "But I've got conditions."

His mouth closed and he nodded, staring down at her seriously.

"One, you won't turn _my blog_ into a place for you to flirt. I've checked out your own blog and know all about it, so don't even bother with denying it. Two, you have to have a pen name that can't easily be linked back to you. Three, you can't tell _anyone_ who I am on or outside of the blog. You got that?"

The tension eased out of Eridan's shoulders and he let out a deep breath. Slowly his head bobbed up and down, working its way up in speed until it was just a string of consistent nodding. She had to resist the urge to reach out and grasp his head between her hands just to get him to hold still.

"Yeah, I understand."

Her head jerked up and down once. With that she turned on her heel and began to walk quickly away from him. She was stopped short when he called out her name.

"Nepeta!"

She froze mid step, slowly craning her head to look back at him.

Eridan shoved his hands into the pockets of his grey pants, bouncing back and forth on the balls of his expensive looking (old man) shoes. His messenger bag hung off his right shoulder and crossed over a cream, lumpy looking blazer, the elbows patched up with chestnut colored cloth. Beneath it he wore a black shirt with an indistinguishable logo. Around his neck was an old striped scarf. Further up still were his freakishly large hipster frames, and curly brown hair with that single strip of violet swept neatly back. And with the white wall as his backdrop it took all of her willpower to not mutter aloud " _Hipster_ " in a disgruntled tone.

However, nothing could stop her from being startled at how she had viewed him with artist eyes.

"Thanks," he said quietly, snapping her away from her thoughts. "For letting me be a member."

Scathing replies leapt to the tip of her tongue. She wanted to yell at him that he had left her no choice, that he had _blackmailed her_. He shouldn't be thanking her at all! Nepeta turned around, back straight as a rod and a clenched jaw expression on her face.

"Whatever."

 **Have you ever considered being nice to him? Maybe even once?** , the nagging little voice inserted quietly as she walked away.

 _Just shut up,_ she returned coldly. _Guilt trip me any other day, but right now Eridan needs to keep his word before I show him something like that. And if he doesn't then I'll hate him for the rest of my life._

The voice sighed. **You're still a little hypocrite, through and through.**

 _Only one of the many, dear annoying inner voice._

And she still hated herself all the same because of it.

* * *

lonely-hearts-club

\- image - (Panel 1) _The girl with a smiley face mask waves to the audience to get their attention._

(Panel 2) _She pulls out a sign from off panel and it reads:_

" _Due to a series of strange events I have somehow found myself hosting this blog with a new admin. Feel free to ask him questions!"_

(Panel 3) _Admin Kitkat puts the board down and pulls a boy into the strip with her. Just like Kitkat, he wears a smiley face mask. But unlike Kitkat's mask his has a pair of glasses that are tapped in the middle. His hair is a lovely hickory color with hints of purple tips peeking out from under the mask, and he wears a stark white lab coat over a grey sweatshirt. The new admin gives a little wave._

(Panel 4) _Kitkat pulls out another board that says:_

" _This is the Scientist. Everyone be good to him!"_

 _#kitkat puttytat #kitkat puttytat art #new admin #the scientist #i will not be giving any explanations as to how this came about #and neither will he #lhc #lonely hearts club #lonely hearts club official business #over and out_

* * *

 _fly-free_ asked:

 **uh, hello Scientist. welcome to the club i guess? i don't know much really. pretty new myself, but -uh- everyone deserves a nice welcome right?**

lonely-hearts-club said:

Thank you, I'm pretty glad to be here myself. My timing was pretty bad for the original admin, but after pleading my case I'm glad she let me join. I promise to do this blog justice!

-the Scientist

 _#the scientist has spoken #ask #answered #fly-free #new admin_

* * *

 _dave-of-guy_ asked:

 **so new guy, what makes you a lonely heart?**

lonely-hearts-club said:

A lot of things I suppose. Too many things really, and most of them I can't bring myself to talk about just yet. Years of being shunned has lead to a fear of speaking about a lot of my problems. It was either "Those are just crocodile tears." or "You don't really have that." No matter where I turned all I got were doors slamming in my face.

But I suppose the biggest thing at the moment that makes me qualify for this club is one that Admin Kitkat and I share: Heartache for someone we can't have.

I told my best friend that I liked her and she broke our friendship down and is now with someone else. We still talk, still see each other, but the rift between us is undeniable. It's made me incredibly jealous and frustrated because I couldn't have what I wanted, and I took it out on someone who was facing demons that no one really knew they had. I regret it deeply, but I'd be too lucky to receive forgiveness from them.

But that's a moot point so I won't bother going further into it now.

I've found a better way to convey my feelings and this is it.

-the Scientist

 _#the scientist has spoken #ask #answered #dave-of-guy #new admin #hopeful but not too hopeful_

* * *

 _And thus Eridan makes his appearance on the blog! Tbh idk how I feel about the transition of this chapter though. Did I do the confrontation justice? Could use some serious concrit, if ya'll could help me out here._

 _Anyways, sometime back there was a review asking if I thought about making an ACTUAL blog and the answer is YES. As a matter of fact, I went and did it the other day. The username is lonely-h34rts-club. I had to change the username there because the one I wanted was already taken, but the one here in the fic won't change because I'm kinda lazy about that. You can go there and ask questions for either me (mun Seal), Nepeta (Kitkat), or Eridan (the Scientist). Be sure to read the rp guidlines first though. And it's totally cool if you just continue to ask questions here._

 _Anyhow, ya'll have a good day/night ja'near, ja'far, ja'wherever you are!_


End file.
